Man, this blows. I'm having this spiraling feeling and I'm afraid it's not going to stop until something happens that I regret. If that happens, however, that would be a very, very bad thing. I made a promise to be here tonight, but promises and contracts only mean so much for so long.

And ebly's back, which scares the crap out of me. I don't know whether to be happy about this or curl into a ball and cry. I mean, I don't want him to go away again, ever, but there's this nagging feeling in the back of my head that he's going to. I'm awful, aren't I, for thinking that? I mean, he says that he doesn't want to go away, and I want to believe him, but damn.

I've been reading through a lot of my old stuff, and I've decided that I really, really hate a lot of what I do. Also, I know that I'm a little bit more than odd, but that doesn't stop me from writing, though I'm sure it should. I'm not a great autor, and the ooner I can accept that, the sooner I can move on and want a normal, money-making job.

Speaking of money, college applications are sucking my family dry right now. I can't imagine what's going to happen when I actually end up going to college. If I end up going, that is. Money, money, money, and spiraling. If I spiral out and out and out then there's no way I can go to college. I've decided that much. Because I'll either be x.x or locked up in the loony bin.

The title of this is sorr,but I haven't apologized for anything yet. Probably because I don't really know why I'm sorry, but I am. I'm sorry that my grades suck and that I'm a bad kid. I don't know why my english teacher actually hates me, and I have no idea what I'm doing wrong. I don't have any inspiration to RP anymore, which is basically my livelihood. Really, I don't. I haven't asked Josh or Sal or anyone on gaia or the other forums to roleplay with me in ages. I know that it may seem like a good thing, but trust me, it's not. It means that things are getting bottled up.

Sorry, I'm complaining a lot. But I'm not sorry. Not in the least, not anymore. I don't want to have any more regrets when everything spirals out. Maybe I'll find a superhero that can come save me, but I'm not so sure anymore.

I have so much stuff to do before break, and in all honesty, I should be doing homework. I just thought I'd let everybody know how I was doing and that I wa (barely) alive. I'm tired and I want to sleep all day and I'm depressed and busy and overwhelmed and overworked and underslept and under stress and need it all to stop or I'm going to jump off the ride and you'll have to peel me off the bottom of it after it decides that it's over. So yeah, I'm not doing well.

Sorry for being a whiny bitch.